NEWTOWN MONTHLYMEETING OF FRIENDS
A HANDBOOK FOR MEMORIAL SERVICES
May, 2000 – revised
This handbook has been developed to assist
families of the meeting and committees of the meeting in dealing with the
circumstances of a memorial service for worship. The objective of this document
is to provide clarity on what persons, or committees within the meeting, are
responsible for the elements involved with a memorial service. Procedures
outlined in the first four pages should be followed as closely as possible.
Other items included (Planning Ahead, a
checklist for families, Burial Grounds information, comments to open a memorial
meeting) -
are provided for guidance and may be used
or not, depending upon individual circumstances.
Suggestions for additions or changes are
welcome and should be directed to a member of the Worship and Ministry
Committee of the Meeting.
ROLE OF COORDINATOR OF
MEMORIAL SERVICES:
The Coordinator of Memorial Services is
someone from the Worship & Ministry Committee who has been designated
specifically to be the contact person and the one who oversees and coordinates
the various activities described in this handbook.
Notification of the death of a member,
attender, or other person involved with the life of the meeting should be given
to the Coordinator as soon as possible. Where the family is unable to initiate
this contact, a meeting member or other person is asked to make the Coordinator
aware so that contact with the family can be initiated. A funeral director, if
utilized, should also be encouraged to contact the Coordinator.
If the Coordinator is not available,
contact should be made with the Clerk or any other member of Worship and
Ministry, or the Clerk of the Meeting.
The Coordinator, or other person designated
by the Clerk, working with the family, will undertake the following:
I - MEETING CONTACTS
1. Notify Clerk of Meeting and Clerk of
Overseers of the death. If asked, Overseers may assume a helpful role in
dealing with the family’s bereavement.
2.
3. Write an announcement of the death to be
read after the next Meeting for Worship and arrange with the editor of the
Meeting newsletter to publish word of the death. This should be brief, succinct
and include pertinent facts, including date and time of service.
4. Consider use of a phone chain or make
calls to other meeting members, as may be appropriate to provide timely
notification, as well as to begin preparations for the memorial service.
Memorial
Service Handbook - page
2
II - CONTACT OF FAMILY
1. Contact family directly. Discuss when
they would like to schedule memorial service. When a date is agreed, notify the
Clerk of Building and Grounds, who will record the day and time for the
memorial meeting on the library calendar and see that cleaning people and other
Meetinghouse users are aware of the memorial meeting.
2. Assure family that phone calls will be
made to the appropriate Nl4MF persons who will take responsibility for the
service. If the family desires at this time, details of the service can be
discussed:
music, refreshments, guest book, desirability of child care, etc (see Service
Arrangements).
3. If a Funeral Director is involved and if
appropriate, find out the name so that contact can be made to provide meeting
introduction and name of NMMF person responsible for service. Tell the family
that this contact will be made.
4. Ask about the Death Notice and Obituary
for newspapers. (This is provided by the funeral director and handled by the
family.) It often includes the Memorial Service Date and Time.
5. If cremation is taking place, inform the family of the Anna T. Jeanes Fund which will partially reimburse cremation costs
for members of Philadelphia Yearly Meeting.
6. If needed, assist the family with, or
determine what arrangements are contemplated for burial (see Burial
Arrangements). Give the family the name and phone number of the Meeting’s
Burial Records Keeper so that they may make arrangements for interment. Ask if
the family desires the interment to be a strictly family time, or if they would
like the presence of Friends from the Worship and Ministry committee. If the
answer to the latter is “yes”, ask if they desire silent worship, or would they
like some spoken words of comfort.
III - BURIAL ARRANGEMENTS
In the event of a NMMF burial, the Burial Records Keeper should be contacted by
the family.
1. He/she will help the family choose a
burial site if one has not been previously purchased.
2. If a burial site has been purchased,
he/she will work with the family to see that an urn is properly buried in the
correct spot, or will mark the site of the plot should a casket burial be
preferred.
3. The Records Keeper confirms the DATE and
TIME of interment with the family; contacts and makes
arrangements with the grave digger to have the site readied for the interment
(if it is a casket burial, this
is handled by the funeral director); and notifies the Building & Grounds
Committee Clerk of this DATE
& TIME to be posted at the Meeting, the Day Care Center notified, and
possibly grounds keepers notified
so that proper respect can be maintained at this often difficult but memorable
time for family members.
4. The Burial Records Keeper, or someone
else representing the Meeting, should be present at the burial of an urn and
takes care of the final details after the family has left.
5. The Records Keeper will see that the family is given a copy of “Burial
Grounds Regulation & Contributions” and will reinforce the desire of the
Meeting that headstones be simple and in keeping with those surrounding as
described in the Regulations. He/she will give the family the names of
headstone vendors used by Meeting members and make sure the site is well marked
so that the headstone can be properly installed.
6. He/she will accept the check from the estate of the deceased and provide the family of the deceased with a formal receipt. The cheek is then sent on to the Treasurer of the Meeting.
Memorial
Service Handbook - page
3
IV -- SERVICE ARRANGEMENTS
I. Contact family prior to service to
ascertain/confirm:
a) seating - family(ies) may wish to be seated together.
It is customary for family members to sit in the front row(s) and for members
of Worship and Ministry and Friends designated by the family to sit on the
facing benches; otherwise there is no designated seating.
b) flowers - who takes responsibility for delivery at meeting
c) refreshments - who orders, prepares and cleans up (the committee
offers a simple coffee & cookies reception, but there have been times when
the family has arranged a potluck or a catered meal)
d) music - if any. Sometimes, following the wishes of the deceased, quiet music is
played prior to the start of the meeting. More frequently family and friends
gather in silence.
e) guest book, if desired
f) child care needed?
g) contact with funeral director, if necessary
2. Determine within the Worship &
Ministry Committee who will assume primary responsibility for the remaining
preparations and conduct of the memorial service. Discuss with each member of
this small group the sharing of responsibilities and arrangements for the memorial
service (see Preparation of the Meetinghouse).
3. Assumes any other helpful role in
assisting the family.
4. Assures that ushers are instructed
regarding course of a memorial meeting, seating of any navigationally
challenged guests, and any family wishes regarding seating. One usher should be
responsible for seeing that guests sign the guest book. (Sometimes an
announcement to remind attenders to sign, is
helpful.)
5. Tells the family that he/she (the Coordinator or other designated
person of the Worship and Ministry
Committee) begins the memorial meeting with a brief explanation of what a
Friends memorial meeting is
(see attached suggestions), and concludes the meeting with the traditional
handshake.
6. Explains to the family that a memorial
meeting typically lasts for 30 - 60
minutes, as appropriate to circumstances and to the sense of the meeting.
Unexpected closures of meeting can be awkward for all concerned.
7. Provides any necessary follow-up, or
visit after the meeting, regarding memorial contributions, any cards received
with flowers, etc.
V -- MEMORIAL MINUTE
Arrange for a meeting member who is familiar with the deceased (sometimes it is a family member) to ite a memorial minute to be read into the minutes of Monthly Meeting for Business. (Saving the Obituary or other articles can be helpful guides.)
Memorial
Service Handbook - page 4
VI- PREPARATION’OF THE MEETING HOUSE
Prior to the Day of the Service:
1. Arrange for refreshments (if served),
including supplies in the kitchen
2. Arrange for persons to assist with
parking
3. Arrange for ushers
4. Arrange for child care, if needed
5.
Day of Service:
1. If weather is cold, turn heat up one
hour before (instructions on thermostat)
2. Unlock and open doors (key wrench
hanging in east closet)
3. Ready refreshments
4. Place Meeting House Sign (west closet) on corner of State & Court
Streets, if many visitors are expected
5. Place “Friends Memorial Service” pamphlets out on the benches
6. Place flowers in center of facing
benches (and re-arrange available plants, if desire)
7. Set up extra chairs in balcony, if needed
8. Place guest book for attendees’
signatures on special table, set out box of tissue
9. Place ushers at south and east doors or as needed
10. Following service, clean-up, put away,
heat down (touch “Run-Program”),
bring sign indoors if it was used, lights out, lock doors
In Case of Snow or Severely Inclement
Weather:
1. Contact family to determine if
arrangements need to be postponed
2. Contact Building & Grounds
Clerk to confirm snow has been removed
3. Arrive early to remove snow on porches
and apply salt (in heater room) as needed
Memorial Service Handbook –page 5 –
A HANDBOOK
FOR MEMORIAL SERVICES
Comments
to Open a Memorial Meeting for Worship
The Memorial Meeting
for Worship
The Religious Society of Friends holds, as
the basis of its faith, the belief that God endows every human being with a
measure of the Divine Spirit.
Our manner of worship is an outgrowth of
this belief. We gather in quiet assemblies, mindful of the words: “Be still,
and know that I am God”
A Friends memorial service is similar in
many ways to a Meeting for Worship. We come together in reverent silence, with
the desire to draw nearer to God, and to understand God’s will. It is a time
not only for a sharing of loss, but also a time of thankfulness for the life of
the person for whom the memorial service is held. We reflect on the value of
that life as it relates to the lives of all of us.
All present share equally in this service.
We sit quietly; at times an individual may be moved to speak, to offer prayer
or a message that has come out of the silence. All are welcome to do this. The
meeting is closed with handshakes.
The responsibility for the spiritual depth
of the meeting rests with each attender. Those who keep silence, as well as
those who give a vocal message, do their part when they yield their minds and
hearts to the guidance of the spirit.
Friends hope that in the Meeting for
Worship a consciousness of the Divine Presence will come to every attender, to
be a source of direction and of strength after leaving the meeting.
From
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
We are gathered
today in a memorial meeting for worship in appreciation and gratitude for the
life of _______. A
memorial meeting is a meeting for quiet worship during which, spoken memory of
the deceased is given by a number of those present as they are moved to do so.
We come together in reverent silence, with the desire to draw nearer to God,
and to understand God’s will. This is a time not only for sharing of loss, but
also a time of thankfulness for ______‘s life. All present share equally in
this service and are welcome, when moved to speak, to offer a prayer or message
that has come out of the silence. The meeting will end with handshakes.
Memorial Service Handbook - page 6
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o..
Friends,
we are gathered today to give honor and glory to God and our thanks for the
gift of the life of __________,
a
life which has touched us all in a special way.
Our
faith is one in which the very character of death is transformed, replacing a
sense of loss by a sense of liberated life, an entrance into the fuller light
of God.
It
is the custom of Friends to worship in silence, quietly awaiting the presence
of God. Out of this expectant silence, any who feel moved by the holy spirit to
speak about the goodness of God and God and the appreciation of the life of _________ may do so.
It
is also customary to keep a few minutes silence between spoken messages so that
we may fully appreciate each thought offered. The conclusion of the service
will be indicated by my shaking hands with the person next to me.
Let us now continue our worship.
Memorial Service Handbook –page 7
A HANDBOOK FOR MEMORIAL SERVICE
A Memorial Service Reminder List for Families
1. The name and phone number of the person responsible for the memorial
service at Newtown Monthly Meeting of Friends
are________________________________________
2. Is one of the Newtown Meeting persons above acquainted with the funeral director (if utilized)?
3. Do you wish to have assistance with obituary announcements to be placed in the newspaper?
4. Do you intend burial or cremation? The Anna T. Jeanes Fund will partially reimburse cremation costs for members of Philadelphia Yearly Meeting
5. Where are the remains to be located? By Whom?
6. Do you wish to have memorial contributions specifically directed?
7. Do you wish to receive calls! flowers at home?
8. Do you require any assistance with arrangements for the memorial service?
9. How many do you expect may attend?
10. Are attenders aware of the course of a Friends Meeting for Worship and a memorial service?
11. Are there any special seating arrangements for the family or for guests which we should be aware of?
12. Do you prefer to have refreshments available for guests at the rise of meeting?
13. Are there any elements of a meeting which may need special arrangements or introduction (eg. flowers, music, readings, etc).
14. Are there any members of he family who would benefit from special attention, or a visit from the meeting following the service?
Memorial Service Handbook –page 8
A HANDBOOK
FOR MEMORIAL SERVICES
Planning
Ahead
Friends are urged to provide, in their
wills or in other written statements, guidance to prevent difficult decisions
regarding one’s own memorial service having to be made by others in times of
emotional stress. These instructions should include directions as to place of
burial and arrangements for the disposal of the body. In
Buried in a local cemetery without
embalming, or held under
refrigeration or in a hermetically-sealed casket for a short
period prior to burial;
Embalmed and buried;
Cremated without embalming;
Embalmed and cremated;
Willed to an institution for the
promotion of anatomical science
Cremation
The Anna T. Jeanes
Fund will partially reimburse cremation costs for members of Philadelphia
Yearly Meeting. All members of Newtown Monthly Meeting are members of
Philadelphia Yearly Meeting. For information, contact the Yearly Meeting
office.
Memorial Service Handbook - page 9
Burial Grounds Regulations & Contributions
Rules and suggested co,ntributions
for the unassigned lots in Burial Grounds of Newtown Monthly Meeting of
Friends,
1. A gravesite shall consist of a plot of
ground not exceeding 3 1/2 feet by 10 feet. An urn gravesite, suitable for the
burial of urns only, shall consist of a plot of ground not exceeding 3 1/2 feet
by 4 feet.
2. A lot shall consist of four contiguous
gravesites except in the unrestricted lots in the old section where the size of
lots permits only three gravesites.
3. There shall be no more than one casket
interment per gravesite, but a single gravesite may contain up to six urns. All
caskets must be enclosed in a concrete vault. The cost of hiring a backhoe to
bury a casket shall be the responsibility of the estate of the deceased. Urn
gravesites may contain two urns. At least one foot of earth must cover each
container.
4. The following contribution shall apply
until altered by Monthly Meeting:
A. Members of Newtown
Monthly Meeting shall be asked to contribute:
$400/grave beginning
7/1/94
$300/urn site beginning
7/1/94
Spouses, Friends, and
long-term (5 years or more) attenders will pay twice
the Meeting member rate. However, members purchasing gravesites for themselves
and their spouses will not be asked to contribute the higher amount. Costs for
urn sites includes burial of urn.
Contributions will be
used for perpetual care of the graveyard.
5. Payment in ffill
is to be made to the Newtown Monthly Meeting Treasurer at the time of the
reservation of a lot or grave except in the event that interment is to be made
immediately upon reservation; then the contribution may be temporarily
deferred, to be paid by the estate of the deceased.
6. Upright headstones for graves shall be simple in form and shall not exceed 18” in width, 8” in thickness, and 16” in height above the mean level of the ground, and shall be set on a base approved by the Building & Grounds Committee. A headstone carrying two names shall not exceed 24” in width, 8” in thickness and 16” in height. The graveyard is divided into three sections. Markers in Section I and Section II should conform to those surrounding. In Section III all markers are to be set flush with the ground and should measure not more than 18” wide by 24” long and be not less than 6” thick.
Memorial Service Handbook - page 10
If several urns are used in one grave in Sections I and II, it is suggested that two names appear on the upright stone and any additional names be inscribed on a flat stone to be laid over the grave and set flush with the ground.
7. A burial permit obtained from the undertaker is required by the Building & Grounds Committee.
8. Trees, shrubs and flowers are not permitted to be planted on lots. Shrubs now on lots will be removed if and when they become unsightly. Flowers in containers will be removed after a reasonable length of time. No flower pots are to be sunk into the ground. No plastic flowers, wreaths or other artificial decorations are to be places on graves. The American Legion places flags on the graves of those Friends who chose to participate in armed conflict. These flags are removed when they become faded, but the holders remain for future use.
9. The Building & Grounds Committee and/or the Clerk of Worship and
Ministry shall have authority to waive all or any portion of the aforesaid
regulations at their discretion.
10/1/95
Memorial Service Handbook –page 11
Date:
This is to certify that _________ has contributed to the Treasurer of Newtown Monthly Meeting of the Religious Society of Friends the sum of $______ for Lot No.___ in Section ___ as shown on the official plan of the Burial Grounds of said Meeting in the Borough of Newtown, Bucks County, in the State of Pennsylvania, to be held by heirs or assigns as a place of interment only, transferable only by the consent in writing by the Buildings and Grounds Committee of said Meeting and on the books of the Meeting, and subject to such rules and regulations as Newtown Monthly Meeting of Friends or the Buildings and Grounds Committee may from time to time establish for the care of said lots or graves.
Furthermore, this contribution shall entitle the assignee or assignee’s heirs the right to use grave(s) for burials for a period of thirty (30) years at which time option to continue assignment may be renewed in writing for an additional thirty (30) years. At the conclusion of each thirty year period the Treasurer shall contact assignee at last known address by certified mail, return receipt requested. If the assignee wishes to continue the assignment he/she will be permitted to do so. If the assignee no longer has any need for plot-grave(s) assigned him/her such plots/graves will revert to the Building and Grounds Committee for reassignment without recourse.
Signed
Trustee in charge of the Burial Grounds of Newtown Monthly Meeting of Friends
Rules and regulations pertaining to the Burial Grounds of Newtown Monthly
Meeting of Friends,
Memorial Service Responsibility
Delineation:
1. CONTACT PERSON —
oversees the service: contacts &
seats the family; opens and closes the worship service PAUL KESTER
2. USHERS — in charge of the Meeting Room: makes sure it is neat
(clutter removed, etc.), distributes the Memorial Service pamphlets, brings out
the table for guest book, arranges placement of flowers if there are any; is
stationed at the doors to welcome people and help assist any to their seats if
needed; NOTICES the possible need for childcare and tells the family of the
availability.
3. REFRESHMENT TABLE - keeps track of who
is able to bring food*; checks tablecloths, arranges for table placement,
bouquet of flowers (if possible).
4. DRINK TABLE - checks for and purchases
supplies (hot and cold cups, napkins, apple or other juice, coffee, tea, cream
& sugar); places juice in refrigerator the evening before (or brings cold
to meeting); arrives early enough to allow time to make the coffee; checks for
thermos and pitchers for serving.
5. PARKING - asks someone to help if expect a great deal
of cars. Calls Stockbergers if service is on a
Saturday.
6. OPENING & CLOSING - is in
charge of opening all the doors, turning on and off heat (if needed), and
closing all doors —
making sure lights are all out.
*
Suggestion: Each year REQUEST, through
announcement and newsletter, a list of volunteers to make home-baked items for
memorial services.
MAY 5, 2002